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Things

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I am going to tell you things. Things I think you need to hear. Things you should know about me before we continue this blog-writer/blog-reader relationship. 

1. I wore socks and sandals today in the drop-off car line at school. And before you start picturing a cool Teva advertisement, you should know that they were red, fuzzy Christmas socks and green Old Navy flip-flops. And I drove to and from the school verrryyyy slowly so I wouldn’t be pulled over, because a police officer would surely ticket me for my embarrassing ensemble. So, if you’re ever tempted to think that I’m cool in any way, stop and remember red, fuzzy socks and little green flip flops paired together.  

2.  When you’re sending me messages asking for advice on how to medicate or care for your child, please remember that I have barely over one year of college under my belt. And please recognize that there is no lack of wanting to go back and finish my degree (and then some 🤗), but merely a lack of childcare. Avery’s insurance pays the majority of her in-home nursing care bill with the strict understanding (okay, policy) that I not be enrolled in school or working outside the home or else (or else we lose that coverage). And for the last several years that policy has made me both angry and hopeless, until I realized that our boundaries fall in pleasant places (Psalm 16:6) and perhaps without those boundaries, I would be somewhere other than where I am currently called to be. Also, I’m only a whole, whopping 28 years young and have so much time to add initials to the end of my name, it’s not even funny. I am EXACTLY where I am meant to be. 

3. Sometimes, at the end of the day, the only sentences I have left to say to my children are, “Ask your Dad”, “Where is your Dad?” and “I do not negotiate with terrorists”.  

4. I hate doing laundry. Dear goodness, I hate doing laundry so much, but the only thing I hate more than doing laundry is laundry waiting to be done, so I do my dang laundry. Every day. Every. Single. Day. 

5. I stay sane by reading. I read so, so, so, so much. I’ve read over thirty books in the last few months thanks to ThriftBooks - partly because I read quite quickly and partly because my personality has to reach the finish line (or end of the book) as quickly as I can or I feel like a slacker and partly because $3 books are just too good an opportunity to miss. But really, I read to keep an awareness that I do not know everything, I do not have a monopoly on pain and that life is richer when we listen to what others have to say.

6. I was raised better than I behave and this fact buried me in so much shame, for so many years. I believed that making mistakes meant I didn’t belong in my own family, because they were all perfect and I was not (okay, they are not perfect, but SO ANNOYINGLY CLOSE TO IT!) I believed that my mistakes meant losing everything - my right to be loved, my right to be known by my family name, my right to command attention, and I tried to melt away. I finally realized that the disqualifying from love was something I had decided for myself. I had driven myself away with shame - no one who truly loved me was driving me away. I realized that belonging is something inside me, not a mantle bestowed by others to be granted or removed. 

7. I’m not naturally a hard worker. I know! That’s such an embarrassing thing to admit, but it’s the truth. I’m a creature of inspiration, so in order to will myself to work hard, I must feel deep, meaningful purpose for all that I do, otherwise I won’t do it. And since the Lord made me this way and knows how I work best, He is faithful to download into me such purpose and revelation of true meaning into every day. I’m a seeker and a fixer by nature, so I meticulously search for vision and inspiration - and the Lord always reveals it. 

8. My Christmas decorations are not up, but I’d be chill if they were, so I’m Switzerland in the great “TO DECORATE OR NOT TO DECORATE” debacle. No judgement here.  

9. I have a therapist. And now that I’m typing this I realize that I have not been to see her since the beginning of the year (and it’s November, people!) and I need to rectify that immediately, but you should know that I have one and I see her and she was an incredible gift and resource to me after Avery was born. Regular therapy sessions are so important to me following any crisis. 

10.  I would love to hear your “Things”. Ten things or two things, big or small, serious or silly, accompanied by tears or giggle... anything that you want me to know. 

Tell me all the things.  

On Holidays and Grief

Not My Boy